In a year when words such as toxic, abuse, gas lighting, trauma, codependence, narcissistic have been in prolific use in 2024; there’s another phrase that has been overused too. People- pleasing is one of the year’s most used phrases and apparently 56% of women self -identify with this derogatory description. It is linked with a desire to avoid conflict; not necessarily a bad thing in itself either. The antidote to this ‘nationwide curse’ is setting boundaries and being assertive, apparently and saying ‘No’ when ever possible.
So how do you know if you have a problem with people- pleasing? People -pleasing is a pattern of behaviour where someone prioritizes the needs of others over their own -and here’s the catch- to avoid rejection, criticism, or embarrassment. The way you distinguish people -pleasing from being kind or helping others is around the motivation and the focus of your helping. If people -pleasing is primarily protective of yourself to manage potentially negative feelings about yourself, then one wonders whether this is not people- pleasing at all but self-serving primarily. There are easier ways to affirm yourself ! More worryingly, people-pleasing in the face of power without evaluation, can result in a longer term risk of abuse and vulnerability.
In fact without concern, a sense of civic and family duty, and a worry about falling short, relationships might not be maintained in public services, families, friendships and communities fall apart.
And what is the role of boundary setting? Clearly boundary setting is a useful skill in self- management to support organisation skills and the preservation of emotional resource and mental capacity, so we don’t burn out. Kind and helpful acts also need to be boundaried so that helpers can pace themselves and not overstretch this precious resource.
How can you monitor your own behaviour?
Ask yourself questions such as:
Is this a person I am obliged (role) or want to help or please right now?
What is the motivation of the other person?
What are my intentions and aims now and over what time period?
Am I the right person for this? Or where does this motivation come from? What is the value that drives me to please or help this person? Is that belief or value appropriate to this circumstance?
How invested am I with this person? Does this seem right for the role I have in their (work)life and in my own short term/long term role or not at all? Is this setting a precedent I can’t keep up? Does this pleasing act diminish me me or render me vulnerable?
Could other people be involved and when?
What are the boundaries and limits to my help? Time/length of involvement/contract?
How will I know if it is helpful?
How will I know if my own wellbeing is being impacted? What can I tolerate?
Let’s not make kindness or helpfulness a negative thing. Pleasing others is not a weakness in many circumstances and it shows an ability to bend and accommodate others. It’s what makes the world a better place. We all need to prioritize who and how we please or support others and recognise our our limitations. It’s more of a case of looking after ourselves too in order to help others and be kind.
